American Unitarian Conference Forum

Hi all,

I am 44 years old and just plain lost, confused, depressed and anxious over religion. I grew up in a conservative Southern Baptist home, was "saved and baptized" at the age of 15 and then just milled about smartly doing my own thing until the age of 40. I spent a career in the US Navy and retired in 1998, had a great job as an engineer until 2001 and then lost all when the place I worked went out of business. My wife got depressed and started having panic attacks which immobilized her and confined her to our home for almost three years. Since she couldn't leave the house and could not be alone either, I was confined to the home for the same period of time.

We started our own business (insurance) from a home office so that we could eat and we struggled until about 6 months ago (at which time our situation became tolerable) just to have a place to live and eat cheap food. During this time (around 2003) I started to seek God in a "spiritual" way. I became disillusioned and mad at "Him" for letting me down. I assumed I was being punished for not living better, acting saved, etc. I got the idea that if I was "more pious" that my situation would improve and as such I got into the Bible,
learned it (from a C.I. Scofield, KJV-only, fundamentalist, pre-tribulational point of view) cover to cover.

I also became hateful, homophobic, judgmental, arrogant, proud and basically made a complete ass of myself. I even got the idea that if I was an ordained minister and started an internet ministry that God would certainly let me off the hook and so I did just that. That issue (ordination) caused many problems between myself and my wife and I eventually resigned the ordination simply due to the fact that my attitude had become unbearable even to myself and I knew that I was not fit to call myself a minister.

I struggled (daily) with doctrines that no one could really answer (dispensationalism, calvinism, arminianism, etc.) and caused myself a lot of emotional turmoil. I found that most Christians were not willing to talk to me online to really help me sort it all out (recall that I am confined to home still). I eventually found my way to Islam and found MANY good, humble people willing to talk to me and help me sort out my emotional discord. I eventually came to disbelieve Christianity and embraced Islam. Of course this did NOT help matters with my wife at all. She was really mad now. The ordination fiasco was NOTHING compared to telling her I was a Muslim. She does not understand what Muslims believe and does not care to either. She did not care that I told her that I did not believe in Christianity anymore because I did not believe that Jesus was God. Get this - she said that Christianity does not teach that Jesus was God, Jesus was God's son and that's all. So she does not even know what traditional Christianity teaches.

Anyway, Islam helped me to drop the attitude and become humble, quiet and peaceful. My wife, however; forbade me to be a Muslim. Said that if I believe that crap that I could "pack my stuff and get out". So I dropped it (openly anyway). I eventually came to the conclusion that I did not fully accept Islam either because I could really accept a teaching of "eternal damnation", nor could I accept that God cares if I eat pork, wash right hand before left, asked forgiveness for using the bathroom or owned a dog or the need to bathe completely before praying if I have had a sexual encounter (all of which are Muslim dogma).

I found Deism after reading "The Age of Reason" by Thomas Paine. I was (and still am) enthused with Deism but find it lacking the ability to give me a "moral code for life". I don't exist well (too much engineer in me still) without proof texts, and procedures (how to live), etc. I do NOT believe the Bible to be inerrant, infallible or perfect in any way. I do not believe that Jesus was God Himself come to earth. I really don't know WHAT I DO believe but I know what I don't believe anymore. I can actually (over the course of a literal 24 hour period swear that I am: Deist, Christian, Unitarian, Muslim, Taoist, Atheist. Yep, all of 'em in one day, I change my religion more often than my socks.

I have many times thought that perhaps John Calvin was right about unconditional election and predestination - and that I am just one of those poor souls that is destined to never know what to do or what path to follow, just plain "bound for hell", except I don't believe in Hell.

But in the end it matters not if I believe it or not if John was right.

I feel like such a loser....

Thank you for sharing your story....faith issues are common to all of us at various times....you are not a loser for struggling. I also have days where I feel like a total atheist...other days agnostic and then other more theistic....even then..I bounce between a Deistic God....vs a more personal God.  In the end...I don't struggle with it....if I am at an  impass...I just leave it....many of these questions are not going to be answered.  My only advice is to not feel it imperative to label yourself...read, keep what makes sense to you....what appears true....and leave the rest.  This means...you will not find a ready made religion that fits you....you end up being a spritual pioneer...searcher.  Sure, I would like everything laid out clearly...but I have not found a religion...in whole...that has the answers.  The American Unitarianism you find here is  pretty open ended and allows for this search. You will find respect for your beliefs...even if there are differences of opinion.  If you are at an impass...just give yourself some space...allow yourself to just accept what you can and then so be it.

If there is a personal God...humor must be a divine gift...find ways to laugh.

I hope your wife has consulted with medical professionals re her anxiety.

dhatchere,

You are not a looser. You are on an accelerated path toward a greater understanding of yourself and your God. I have been there brother! I'm still there. So I will tell you what I have come to believe.

First, have you considered that you may be struggling to justify your beliefs by comparing them with others? Perhaps what you need to do is focus on what YOU believe and go from there. You are not going to find a doctrine that entirely agrees with you. So why not write your own? After all, its your personal relationship with God that matters and there is no greater authority on your beliefs than you.

I do relate to your family issues. My religious search has cost me family connections and my wife of 15 years is simply unyielding when it comes to her atheism.

I never understood when Jesus said "Who are my mother and brother...." Now I do. Its not easy to balance religion and family these days. We all live in a pluralistic community. Gone are the days when every neighbor belonged to the same church and agreed with just about everything.

Take comfort in your faith and listen to what your heart tells you.

Best wishes.

Kenn

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you will feel welcome here and stick around.

One thing that stuck out at me was the changing your religion part. It reminded me of my husband, who when asked what religion he is, will reply with the religion of the person who asked him, and then add on "but I'm not a very good one."

I don't think he has his mind made up either, and I think that's okay. It's like what eruonen said, labels are not really that important. They are just a way for other people to judge you, right or wrong.

Wow - I love that one. But what if you don't know what they are? Is there a safe way to answer and avoid the inevitable attempt to "save" me?

You could say you do not like organized religion....or...how religion is organized today. You keep your faith as a personal and private matter.

Hello dhatchere and welcome,

You aren't a loser, you are just human. Welcome to the homo sapiens club.

I have had some similar theological struggles, which is why I found Unitarianism and traditional Deism to be so fulfilling.

I can't give you a list of do's and don'ts for living life. I can tell you to use your reason, your emotions, your personal experience and always consider how your actions impact others. Be compassionate. This must be balanced with your own needs-if your wife is willing to end your marriage because of your beliefs then you might need marriage counseling.

I do not believe that God is a fairy godfather or a menacing spirit that must be pandered to in order to get rewards/avoid punishment. Nor do I think that in classical Deist writings is God portrayed as a distant, and thus spiritually pointless, entity.

God has given us great gifts which we take for granted all too often: reason, choice, love, and spirituality (to name only a few). Look out the window, and be grateful for life, for trees, for air, for birds...in this way I find myself connected to God deeply.

Welcome to the forum.  I am  also. From a Southern Baptist back ground.  .My grandfather, his father, and all thier brothers were Baptist preachers.  My father was a deacon. .

,My wife is from a Buddhist family but was educated in a Catholic Convent.

To make a long story short, many of my relatives still prayer for me to return to the family tradition.. More and more they do ask questions and indicate that just maybe to be a Unitarian is the right path or at least as good as the one they follow.

With love,

Rev Dorris

First, you are not a loser. Second, welcome. I hope you will find some comfort here.

If you don't Know what you Are, maybe you need to find a way to enjoy the Journey while you search. The Journey has its bumps, its twists, its straight aways and hills as well as an occasional coast down a mild incline. And we all have our doubts and demons. Connecting with others certainly will help.

I wish you luck. I'm in your same boat right now. But this time around, it's not so distressful.

Will

Thank you all for the fine replies, the struggle continues but I do feel more at peace with the "not knowing".